one step at a time.

its hard taking one step at a time when ur feet are tied, you're blindfolded, and you're on a narrow walkway about to fall.

things are. going i suppose as they should. but it feels like im just being weighed down by it all. i feel like i cant control everything and losing a handle on life. one mistake and it could be my last. but hey, would it really matter? probably not.

my grandma is getting sick and im getting more and more scared for her. i try playing it off and acting like everything is the same as usual, but i know it wont be. nili is going through the same things as well and i just hope she knows im here for her. its hard going thru things by yourself. it feels worse when it seems like theres no one to help.

change.

its happening and there's nothing to stop it.

i know ill be on my own in about 6 months, off college and going on my own path. but right now more than ever, i want to hold on to being young. i want to be a lil kid again. or at least be able to hold someone's hand and not let go and have them guide me. or just hold someone, with the comfort that things will be ok. i haven't held that feeling.. in a long time. i think thats whats missing...

thanku for the hug laurend'amato.

The greatest irony of love:
Loving the right person at the wrong time, having the wrong person when the time is right, and finding out you love someone right after that person walks out of your life... and sometimes, you think you're already over a person, but when you see them smile at you, you'll suddenly realize that you're just pretending to be over them just to ease the pain of knowing that they will never be yours again... for some, they think that letting go is one way of expressing how much you love the person... in my opinion, some are afraid to see the one they love being held by someone else... most relationships tend to fail not because the absence of love - love is always present. it's just that one was being loved too much and the other was being loved too little... as we all know the heart is the center of the body but it beats on the left. maybe that's the reason why the heart is not always right... most often, we fall in love with the person we think we love but to only discover that for them, we are just for past times, while the one who truly loves us remains either a friend or a stranger... so here's a piece of advice: let go when you're hurting too much, give up when love isn't enough, and move on when things are not like before... for sure, there is someone out there who will love you even more...

soooo school is finally outt. joy. one year left! kinda sad yet exciting? i dunno, being a senior is kind of freaky but not really. just everything about college i guess. i really need to fix this journal thingy, and maybe start using it again like i said i would. lol so whats been happening since my last entry..

we got out of school. im going to really miss the seniors. trying to hang out wit most of them during the summer and stuff but havent really done anything yet. also trying to find a job. not very fun job hunting XD

lets see.. sarah and logan broke up. drumline is going to be incredibly interesting. rudy left and is being replaced my jack mizutani, crazy azn instructor from woodbridge that teaches and is prob insanely good. not sure whats in-store for my senior year. ive been kind of emo lately i guess over stupid little things. i dont have a car yet. mom is smoking. girls are stupidd. (except for nili =]) i wanna date or jus do something but not totally sure. high school is stupid. i wanna get out. at the same time, i dont. college will b better tho right? that is, if i get into a college. very VERY slim chances of that. i realize i dont have a very high self-esteem. im also kind of critical of everything. especially myself. and i guess people. i dont know. i just wish things weren't sooo complicated. it b okk if they were so complicated. just not sooo. ya know? i feel like im not going to be going anywhere. and end up like my dad. yuck. i just want to get thru life i guess. at the moment, id like to feel better about myself and my surroundings i guess. my mom isnt the greatest mom, im happy shes trying to be a mom that wasnt really there for me growing up now, but i think it's a lil too late. i also wish she would at least like acknowledge that she cares about me sometimes. i dont know. shes not really the mom i wish i had i guess. i wish i had parents i could talk to and like maybe even chill with at times. my dad is ok, but i dont see him very much anymore. my mom is trying i guess. she tries too hard tho sometimes. my lil sis is a bitch [period] she needs to get psychiatric help or something. my bro is chill. im not liking ap gov't at the moment or government/politics because i dont really know much about it. im kind of hoping i learn a ton from this class and not totally bomb it. i want a job but at the same time i dont. no one really wants to hire so its like disappointing and annoying at the same time. i think i might get the job at baskin robbins tho. yay? im glad for friends. i dont like losing them. its a really big, issue for me. i feel stupidd for letting go friends when i say i dont like losing them. i really hope i keep in touch with people that are going off to college. mainly like logan, rayho, rinoa, lolo, justin, sharleen, ryan, mitch, and nathan. i dont like me either. like i havent accomplished anything, im not good at anything. i thought i was good at drumline, but im just decent at it i guess. no selfconfidence XP i dont like my study/work habits either. i need to better manage my time. i never get to doing something, i always slack. its badd. and i need to get into shape/be more healthy. i dont like my eating/exercise habits too much. im very confused. whatever. steph, i want us to be friends. i guess nothing is really going to happen between us anymore. but i dont want to totally ignore u, or lose a friend like u. i dont know. im not sure what im supposed to do. i wish we talked more again. wishing is really complicated stuff. dont make too much sense. i dont know. i feel like im going on about nothing. lol. nothingggg. empty. blank. space. im boredd. woow. ok ya i think im done. i cant really put anything out anymore lol. oo so far gone to pool a bunch of times and hung out wit nili and logan, and sarah and stuff. so ya. thats about it. good night. im gonna go for a run i think or workout or something. ya. laterz.

wooooow. its been awhile huh? i said i was gonna update before but i didnt get to. o wellz. retrack since last time..

friends seem to come and go. i can only wish and hope that the ones i hold on to stay longer. BDFS_HO and the rest of the drumline people and then theres a few that i still keep in touch to. its amazing how the world around me seems to be in constant motion while i feel like i stand here alone, watching it all go by. it feels like at times, i havent moved at all, and everything around me just seems to continue speeding along with the fast pace of our society. people around me seem to grow and mature, but i feel like i understand less and less. i feel like i amount to nothing at times. depressing? not really.

lets see.. so danny tara ciara eric aubrey farf justin sharleen emily stephanie.. its funny how close people can get and then how distant they can become; even though we're about physically 5 feet away from them, they feel as if they were half across the globe from us, off in another world at times.. me logan sarah N nili. BDFS. its weird how close we got i suppose. im glad and yet at the same time upset. the time ive spent with them were awesome. i just kno tho, change is inevitable and it wont be nearly as close to how much fun this year was next year. and i highly doubt that the people that are seniors that ive gotten so close to.. will stay the same.. theyll end up just as far as the rest of them are. i dont forget things very easily when it comes to people i think. every person that ive met and come to kno, has left an impression upon me that i wont forget. some better than others but still, theyve affected me in some way shape or form. a lot has really change in 2 years. not even 2. drastic changes. changes for the better or for the worse. they happen.

im afraid. im not ready for change. ive already let go of friends, am trying to hold on to loose ones, and afraid of letting go of close ones. my 3rd year of high school is winding to a close. am i prepared for whats in-store out there? ready for the "real world"? what college will i go to? what will i major in? medicine? psychology? what will happen to the people i know and care about? will i stay in touch with old friends? what kind of new friends will i make? its all so confusing. and i fear, that i have no potential at all. that what i heard today, that those who think critically, those who excel at life, were on account of their family's influence and upraising in some way or manner.. will my family, my now present split and broken apart family, that is held together by a young bitchy lil girl, a maturing self-relient young boy, and a dependent, willing, curious teen.. support me toward any goal that i wish to try and aquire? this world is such a mystery. i dont want to know why we are here. i just wish i knew why its so difficult to live. we all seem to struggle some way. some more than others. i just dont seem to understand a lot of things. and i dont know why i question, but i do.

i seem to be just continually babbling bout nothing. its helping. to an extent. V for Vandetta. good movie. so very much like 1984. kind of relates to our society in a way. i guess. i dont know. nothing makes sense. thats all theres is to it i suppose.

another thing thats stupid. relationships. they seem so pointless and messed up at times. even those "perfect relationships" in a way are weird. i dont think a relationship should be constant "love". people shouldnt be together in a relationship for that long. it kind of seems pointless. theres a lot of random things going on nowadays. divorces are so stupid and annoying. well most are. theres a few with good reasoning and cause, but most are such bullshit. im bothered by everything. ugh.

i cant really finish saying anything. my mind is a jumbled mess. i think im going to go to bed now. nite.

                                                                        

bullock? she must be a lil cold.. EV for V

heyy! haha wow lets c.. 3 months since ive last really used this thing huh? woowzers lol i guess a lot has happened/is happening & i think im gonna start using this again. yay? well, imma start.. tomorrow haha so just a small.. update =]

hum.. last comp i updated bout was trabuco which we placed sweepstakes and all captions so dat was kool.. lol i cant really recall anything so its kinda weird updating after awhile hahaha.. well um.. i think im just gonna jump to finals in marching band..

woooow i cant believe another year has passed by.. its kinda depressing and exciting i guess at the same time.. well.. we had prob 2 of our best performances today in prelims and finals and that was pretty kool.. we took our moment and showed everyone wat we could possibly do and gave it our all.. it payed off cuz we placed first in all of california (or 2nd but dat doesnt really matter) after beyer but dats ok.. cuz i feel so awesome from all of wat weve accomplised and plus,
BEST DAMN DRUMLINE EVERR!!

hell-ya.. such an awesome moment for all of us.. everyone was soooo happy and crying pictures everywhere hugging everyone it was soooo emotional.. gosh it was awesome.. im gonna miss the seniors soooo effing much.. even tho its not the end of the school year.. i still jus cant believe its like.. over.. i love each one of em and hope they come to visit next year (which prob some wont b o wellz.. hopefully getz to see em aroundd) so ya.. jus really happy and emotional and stuff.. it was an awesome year and thanx to everyone for making it that way!!

To the best pit ever, thanks for the memories <3

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BONI DOLAN I <3 U AND STEPHANIEEEEE MY STEPHY!!! =D

~such an awesome time steph last nite, hope u enjoyed :) ill upload pics a lil later but it was really funN!

~today is trabuco, lets see if percussion can pull it off today.. :D

lol i update this thing once a month or sumtin.. haha well last entry was homecoming.. so lets c.. that whole weekend was just awesome.. that 3 day weekend wit homecoming dance N staying up till 2 jus doing nothing and talking wit friends was awesomeee.. then sleeping all day sunday and "party" at tara's on halloween was jus the best way to end the weekend.. i love tara N her family! haha.. it was jus a ton of funN and a lot of people came suprisingly even tho it wasnt really supposed to be but i was really nice.. haha our random 1 minute costumes along wit logan the marathon/"hott guy" ahhah N justin the fairy wit his sister's clothes.. funN stuff.. we got candy N jsu did random stuff.. watched texas chain saw massacre (i personally didnt cuz i dun like scary movies XD) but ya.. truth/dare was amusing.. it was jus a lot of chilling that was needed and ya.. it was funN.. umm.. past week has been jus band and really nothing else i can think of.. comp at RCC was interesting cuz we got sweepstakes again unexpectedly even tho it wasnt that great of a show.. we won all captions BESIDES drumline which REALLY was disappointing.. lol i dunno ive been depressed lately from drumline.. maybe its cuz i suck so bad more than everyone else.. or that i feel like im really not needed at all in the whole pit.. i really wish i was better N could prove to b a capable pit captain next year.. but i dun think i can cuz i really jus ugh.. o wellz.. so ya.. people are all over the place wit things and its jus been really weird lately.. i dunno.. lol i love my boni dolan cuz she makes things better haha =D

a friend has been described as a confidante, one who lifts you up, one who is there in times of need, a shoulder to cry on, and someone whom you trust.

what, then, is a true friend?

one that has all this, but understands you. gets you. will be there in times of need, not just when convenient, but always. til the end of your life. one who is so in tune to every fiber of your being that when you hurt, they hurt. one single entity.

so i ask again... how many of your friends are true friends?

think about it.

yepp.. laterz

to lighten some:
haha hottness?

gotta love logan

hehe bandos rule :D

sooooo hc was AWESOME!! ya it was jus a ton of funN.. lets c..

friday- school which was same same nothing really new walked to carls wit a bunch of people N that was pretty awesome cuz we were all jus screaming and having funN while walking.. lol sry rinoa bout ur leg i WUFF you!! rinoa N kelyn N maaike N melissa got lil beanies (RINOA GOT MORE LIONS!! ^^) while me ezekiel nili jon N mike jus chilled in carls.. we walked bak N got to skool bout an hr early N then OMG I GOT ANGELA PREGNANT!! AHH!! hahaha.. dat was amusing.. hc game was pretty kool we got to eattt which we usually never do since were in uniform but ya.. pumpkin pie N nachos yo. hahaha it was kinda weird half time cuz it was so dark N u couldnt really see nething but i was nice wit da fireworks.. umm.. it was still kinda weird tho but watever.. congrats to lindsay berkowitz N really sry to ladi dadi N jamie bout da drum room.. even tho u guys didnt really mind XD umm.. after hc game we went to cocos N had dinner.. 10 fingers was amusing.. damn u justin for always winning.. hahaha too pure for his own good.. lol it was a funN then logan took me home.. thanx a ton to logan!

saturday- woke up still tired but got ready N logan picked me up for practice.. it was an ok practice it started of ehhh it was all my fault probably.. UGH! i hate it when we rudy gets mad at us.. practice kinda jus went on N ya.. we finished at one and loaded the trucks then had lunch.. burgers N stuff from booster parents then jus kinda chilled in the bandroom me logan N lauren.. then at 2ish we got on the buses and headed to mission.. rudy N vince werent there so we had to practice on our own while battery had rudi so ya.. it went pretty well i guess for the most part of not having an instructor.. our performance was pretty well overall.. we cleaned up and that was that.. got on the bus and drove bak to skool.. then me N logan went to his house to get ready for homecoming.. i luv logan's parents.. gosh i envy logan a lot XD well after we got ready we were kinda lost at wat do do since it was like.. 8ish.. N eric hadnt called us.. so we went to his house which was down the street N danny eric justin N david were there jus playing pool and watching scary movie.. we jus chilled a lil there then decided to go to aubrey's house cuz we were bored N they were taking forever to call so we went there N took pics there wit the girls then we all drove to the dance (well we took 3 cars N ya..) loooong line but i think it was jus cuz people were retarted N didnt kno wat line was wat.. hahaha.. umm.. we finally got in N ya.. saw a tonnn of people N ya.. who was there wit us.. umm.. ray N john N rebecca N billy N ashley N kristen thomson were there.. then.. lori joe brianna kristen N them.. saw maaike N church people.. lorraine N her friends N *ahem* lol.. saw matt.. XP umm.. then us there was.. me logan eric david justin danny tyler franz ali gavin anthony tay sarah tara ciara farfey(jen) aubrey nili boni/stripper/hippie (lol) kassey stephanie lauren sharleen ryan N jolin-ah.. umm.. ya i think thats everyone.. DANCE WAS SOO FUNN! hahaa.. i think i got carried away dancing N logan too.. but it was jus awesome.. i scared rebecca i kno that lol.. it was jus good.. it ended early tho which kinda sucked.. but we jus like mosied out N hung at the flag pole a lil.. then went to the cars cuz we were all going to aubrey's.. lol me logan boni n nili busting it out N logan stripping.. woow.. too much funN there.. stephanie really needs control her scream.. hahaha i luv stephanie tho it was soo funni.. sry bout the bitch face.. >< umm.. we drove to aubrey's again N had sum snacks N ice cream then downtime.. we all were jus like out.. in the living room on the couches N chairs sleeping on top one another.. that was jus chill.. ciara fell asleep as did most of us nodding off.. we jus talked N rambled on wit franz's random outbursts of none sense.. ya that fat jumper guy wit a pig.. lol so random.. we decided to leave when it was passing two in the morning cuz farfey had to go home bout an hr ago but ya.. we all jus left N logan took me danny n justing home.. it was funN time.. yep yepp

sunday: today nothing jus recooperating N hw.. supposed to go to kelyn's bday but no ride or present at the moment.. sowii!! i luv u kelyn HAPPY ONE DAY EARLY BIRTHDAY!! <3

tomorrow! its halloweeen! funN stuff.. even tho i dun think imma do nething.. lol maybe might go trick-or-treating wit sarah N tay N antony but not sure yet.. o wellz.. i dun really care..

drama galore even if u dun want it.. lol gosh.. nothing makes sense tho nemore.. XD N u kno wat boni.. girls do suck.. hahaa in more ways than one.. :P

yayyyy congrats to ray whos on homecoming courtt! i hope ur king rayy! dat b sooo kool! hehe.. dat would make it kinda like.. u ended middle skool wit being 8th grade dance king N den ur gonna b senior king for hc dats so neat.. in sum way.. lol gosh in my world it is! XD

anywayssss so ya im gonna go to hc ive finally decided i dun hav a date but i guess lorraine is my "date" or sarah since everyone is making seem that way.. people r weirddd! lol.. ya.. i dun really wanna date for hc.. i think its more wf N prom that dates are necessary N needed.. yep yepp! dats jus me thoo.. :D im really boreddddd skool is jus ya.. i had ch. tests for bio N calc today N IM SOOOOO AFRAID if i did badd.. i really  hope i didnt.. im scaredd.. im really stupid for staying in ap calc bc.. its too late now to transfer.. so watever.. its really not that bad as i thought it was.. thanx SOOOO MUCH to VIVIAN!! i <3 her for helping me when i really neeeded it.. yep yepp so things r OK but i really am confusedd on sum stuff.. emotions are terrible.. which goes along wit hormones.. which goes along wit receptor proteins and ligands.. which connects to ap bio.. which i hav no idea y i went on that tangent.. which can also relate to math.. arghs i hate it when i think about stuff when i really dun need to.. lol.. im over skooool so much.. i jus wanna hav a vacation.. wit lots of money.. N a car.. N my license.. N.. maybe not a gf.. but sumone i can jus b wit N jus hold N talk to.. lol, which technically is a gf.. but watever.. i jus dunno.. i really wish things would change tho.. like things could b.. diff.. i wish i had a chance at sum things again.. lol.. at a lot of things actually.. but watever.. opportunities come N go.. N i jus lose my chance.. i always hav N always do.. :\ *sigh* yaaa im really boredd so imma go to bedd now jus cuz im pretty much over this entry.. nitee

--random pics--

I *HEART* YOU BOTH

yay banquet that i didnt go to.. :D